I Miss HER!!!!!!! UGH!!

so as usual, im home bored out of my mind , and even though im bored out of my mind i STILL can't shake the immense, incredibly excruciating notion that i miss my future wife... i think i've previously explained our relationship and a tid bit of our past. So i guess i won't have to go into detail now, but , its like this persistent concept of lack of affection ya kno.... i got so used to being with her almost 24/7 that now that she is gone or well.. in school... i dont know what to do with myself . Its quite pathetic really, kinda made me feel like a bad friend to some of my crew ... they was feeling neglected when she was on the island cuz i'd spend most of my time with her ... i dunno .. maybe i was being a bad friend maybe i wasn't but apologies were accepted and life went on from there .. although i don't hear from one or two of them as much as i used to.. others i hardly hear from at all ... but hey back to the matter at hand.

Has anyone of you EVER experienced that void deep inside your stomach, its sort of like warp speed. You know, when you're non-chalant, happy go lucky even and then the captain of ur emotional starship enterprise presses a button and WARP SPEED... all positive emotion is sucked out of u from within and ur left .. just here ..existing .. wishing for another scenario of life to be playing out but nothing happens .. ur still stuck here .. creating carbon dioxide..and the occasion bursts of methane gas .. We exist why? ... is it simply to exist ? .. when i get bored i ponder all those weird random questions about humanity's purpose and crap... and funny enough my thoughts somehow still end up back where i started at square one .. revolving around my girlfriend.. is this love too much for me to handle long distance, am i just dwelling on this distance too much for it to be healthy.. what am i doing wrong here .. i mean if u think about it ... relationships are like cereal boxes .. with the prizes at the bottom .. the mystery prizes .. remember back when we were kids and well we'd of-course buy or get the parentals to buy our favorite cereals ... and we'd specifically make the boxes with the best mystery prizes in em to be our weekly favs lol. well yeah ... relationships are like that in a sense .. buying the cereal u know u like is like being with someone u know u enjoy the company of, or you're definitely attracted to them .. eating the cereal enjoying the mixture of whatever its made of and milk some add sugar .. most add sugar... u know .. people get creative .. banana slices strawberries chunks .. the list goes on.. anyway those add ons are like the specific traits of each individual relationship .. u know the shit you and your sig other do that your pretty sure is ur own ... ur thing ... but then lets get to the knitty gritty ..(. not sure i spelled that right but who cares..).... that mystery prize... who among you have waited literally till u ate the LAST bowl of cereal in the box before fishing out the prize  hmmm anyone ... lol not likely ... but for the people that did like myself .. im sure u'll relate if ever you've experienced this .. remember the anticipation counting down the mornings before school and the amount of bowls eaten .. gettin ur mom to shake the box to guage it for ya ... lol yes i did it all as well... but i mean remember that incredibly disappointing feeling you get when the prize is not ....what... u ......expected....o_0 ...

well yeah .. this distance im experienceing right now is like that prize .. i got all the joy of eating the cereal .. i.e the bliss that is my relationship .. yet ... not being able to see her for months on end is taking a toll i dont like the feel of ... its making me miserable .. and quite frankly the distance is fricken annoying ... wanting her kiss... wanting to see her smile when i come to visit or pick her up to come chill at my place... her voice .. in my ear ... her moans ... i mean who wouldnt miss all of that ... my girlfriend is WIFEY material. the type of chick that'd get up out of her bed to make me breakfast and BRING IT TO ME.. just cuz she wanted to .. had nothing to do with impressing ..or .. if i were out of boxers .. she'd HAND WASH a few for me ... i mean how the fuck lucky am i ... i guess in retrospect this last paragraph ties well into my previous blog about her lol ... proof as to why its hard for me to even fathom cheating outright even with the permission .. she doesnt deserve it ...

anyway folks i got a full blog out of nothing ... lol Gotta love Random Spurts Of Thought ... until Nextime ... when i again decide to traverse the caverns for some more Cerebral Controversies

...Smt Stupid Blog

Wish i could figure out what it is i need to talk about to create an audience, i mean do i have to follow others for the to follow me ... i would do that but on a few occasions i've checked out the other blogs and they are all family blogs or house wives with nothing better to do some hours during the day ... where are all the youths all the 20somethings ...why is it im on this site trying to spread some knowledge, trying to figure out life get different views and i cnt seem to find myself some responses ... this blogging this seems almost overrated.. in a sense...



Maybe im going about this all wrong ... someone help

Just Curious

Does it make me a bad person that due to the long distance of my relationship, im tempted to seek affection elsewhere ?... Hear me out before you pass judgement.

 I'm incredibly huge on affection, I love my girlfriend more than most think is possible to love another.

I'll never allow myself to Act upon the urges but i still get them, because i get them does that make me a bad person? .. Because i feel like one. I feel as though i should be able to block off those thoughts considering i made the commitment to stay faithful, but then the analytical me tries to rationalize or justify rather, my emotions, its like i go through this battle with myself day in and day out. I'm kind of afraid to be around certain females because i dont know what i'd allow to happen if things were to get "misty" for lack of a more suitable expression. Now see this is where it gets TECHNICAL!....

The Love of My Life .. has given me, so to speak, permission to be minusculely promiscuous... I haven't and I don't plan to, but she says she loves me enough to overlook it. She says she with me till the end, and it pains her when I complain about missing her so much, and being lonely.... yet she doesnt seem to be suffering from the same urges as I... Is there something in a woman's mind that channels their emotions toward their body or the other way around and keeps them faithful.

Don't get me wrong I do know there are women out there that cheat and are promiscuous as well as women who dont. I knw the reality of things and I know the possibilities and implications of such leniency on the part of my fiance. But I have developed trust with her,we worked hard on it as friends for seven years, became the best of friends before even implementing the very concept of a relationship...I TRUST SHE ISNT DOING ANYTHING BEHIND MY BACK IN SCHOOL... which makes it so hard for me to allow myself to dwindle in any other "cookie jars"... She doesn't deserve me, indulging in selfish pleasures, even if i never intend to let them go past simple cuddling..

Which brings about my next question..... Is cuddling with a friend cheating? Or, well is it forbidden when in a relationship??

I Wonder........

The (.>.< ) Wonderful World We Live In....

Aight, so im sittin here thinkin about the things people do to prove they AREN'T insane. For instance. this is just hypothetical, but imagine you deciding that you want to impress this chick you've been dating. You rent a helicopter, and some bungee cords and u jump out with a megaphone hooked up to amps outside her house, screaming "I Love you Suzie Q" (again i say this is all hypothetical.) What the fuck could u possibly have been thinking??? BUYIN A CHICK THAT IS NOT YOUR WIFE AND PUTTING THE CAR IN HER NAME IS NOT SMART !!!... lol just thought i'd throw that out there .. Truth be told its just some random thoughts running through the over populated caverns of my mind... Like for instanse:

Whats the point of Twitter ( all u twitter buffs can explain this to me in detail if u wish ) its like people don't already have enough on their plate they gotta follow u around via cell phone ALL day now too?? .. Why the hel would i want to know that u put the pen next to the note book".. yes I've received notice that tweets of that nature DO exist...And you people want me to believe I'M INSANE and YOU guys are normal... rightttt....

This wonderful world we live in is so full of fun incredibly painful to digest facts and fictions ... that we dont even know whats FACT from whats FICTION any longer... For instance... IM bored... but does that make it RIGHT ... does that give me the unwritten right to have a blog?? or is it whichever amendment that demands freedom of speech... (lol dude I'm Bahamian US Constitution is not even in the top ten on my "must remember list")

soo yeah .. this is how its gonna be until somethin truthfully ghastly comes around and fucks up my usual brain blasts of randomness... unttil next time ...

journal adjourned